AM I BEING A WUSS, OR IS IT REASONABLE?

AM I BEING A WUSS, OR IS IT REASONABLE?

~~August 12, 2011~~
OK, I need to get some input.

I don't want to "mis-use" services, or anything, but I swear, showers are something I used to look forward to--long.....hot, warmmmm...ohhhhh so relaxing......

I have always loved the shower--a long hot shower, get my brain re-set, and just if anything, re-set myself, get relaxed, and get set for the day with a clear head....or a warm bath to relax at the end of the day!!!

BOTH HAVE BECOME A SEVERAL HOUR LONG, EXCRUCIATINGLY PAINFUL ORDEAL.
HOT WATER = Feels as if someone is lighting me on fire and then pouring acid on me when they are through, and then writing on me with hot pokers when they are done with that--the hot pokers is the hot water.

WARM/TEPID WATER = Feels "only" as if someone is pouring boiling water on me;


All of it is like someone has turned up the temperature-every degree they turn the water, it hurts one bit more--as if it were possible.

I just don't want to waste resources that would be used well for someone else, who would be dying, who is without help...

But this is soooo embarrassing to admit, but I have gone 7-8 days, except when it was hot out and I sweat bad all over!!!! There is that element, like my mother's voice, whispering in my ear, "Stop being so damned lazy, you little b****, you aren't even in pain."

The last part, I am secure in knowing that she is full of crap. For one-I am NOT lazy, and number two, I AM in a TON of PAIN!!!!

But what my mother has put me through is ghastly. She has made my life hell, and done it well for so long: she has an official diagnosis of:

Borderline Personality Disorder with severe Narcissistic Personality Traits, and it was hell growing up under her roof. What did I have to do?


In order to get through to myself that I am in pain, that my pain is okay; I had to get her as distant from me as possible. I take her calls maybe once a week, maybe every two weeks....I SEE her about every two months.


And it makes her crazy....she is constantly striking out by calling me a "druggie;" and making accusations I am abusing drugs, and nothing but a junkie--she tries to strike where it really hurts if I do something to "wrong" her, or make her look anything less than what she is: which would be human. I just figure, "whatever," and I let her have the mic and she can waste her breath as much as she likes...which is a lot, apparently.


But screw her. I know my pain is real; God knows it, and my doctors know it. Anything else??? I could care less if she doesn't believe me. A friend asked if that doc reminded me of my mother, and I said the only thing they have in common is they are both stupid, cruel, nasty, and sadistic (not in a sexual fashion); but once I took her out of my life on an emotional level it took the teeth of being in pain-->out of being in pain. No more hiding it, and if she was coming by on a "bad" day pain-wise, make up and excuse, and no mom coming over.


Sounds awful? First, Google "Borderline personality disorder." Then, second, Google, "Narcissistic Personality Disorder."


Then spend sixteen years growing up with that. Add your adult life after being diagnosed with bipolar. Oh, a mental disorder!!! Sad as it is to say, she was probably "gleeful" as would be said. Why? Even now, being declared "in full remission," she is not, and she never will be, and you know, it's fine with me; but she still sees the disorder as ammo with which to rub my nose in. To hell with her.


But puts me in the position of where I am in enough pain, bathing iis hard. I really am having a hard time with it.

Is it "old tapes" that makes me embarrassed??? Is it "old tapes" that makes me feel like "gee am I really in need of this?"

But I guess I will let the neurologist be the judge of that?